why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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