I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
