if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
