I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
