If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
