I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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