i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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