She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
