dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
