My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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