Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
