I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
