THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
