1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
