I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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