Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
