are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
