Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
