garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize