Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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