I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she looked like the before picture.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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