Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
