how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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