If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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