Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
