bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
