Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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