I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize