If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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