I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
