Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
