go do what you do best...puke behind churches
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
