I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There's always time for handjobs
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
