it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
