my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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