I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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