dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
