I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
