I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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