she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
