so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I love having hate sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
