I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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