Please, let me fuck your mom
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
