I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
