Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
