Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
