we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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