I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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