He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
