Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
