If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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