why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
