I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
