Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
