Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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