My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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