And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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