Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I CAN MOONWALK!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
