just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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